Within this guide, we will explore how to subtly influence the most important people in your life. With influence, you will be better able to guide people in the right direction, while also helping them make better life choices.
Here’s a Quick Overview of this Guide
Developing the ability to influence people is one of those indispensable skills that instantly transforms how we interact with others. When we have influence, we can subtly nudge people down a certain path – a path that serves their greater good. With influence, we have the power to change lives and help people become better versions of themselves.
This guide and accompanying mind map walk you through how to influence people in a very subtle and indirect way. So much so, that people won’t even realize that they are being influenced. This is, however, not a form of manipulation. You are not manipulating anyone here, but rather inspiring, empowering, and challenging people in a multitude of ways.
Specifically, the mind map breaks down four key areas of influence. These areas include:
– Developing Influence by Teaching People
– Developing Influence by Challenging People
– Developing Influence by Leading People
– Developing Influence by Activating the 7 Human Desires
As you progress through this guide, you will come across over 90 self-reflection questions. These questions will help you to put these ideas into practice. Please take the time to go through these questions, as they are one of the fundamental keys that will help you to fully integrate these concepts into your life.
To take a deeper dive into this material, I’d recommend checking out The Science of People. This is a fantastic resource that will help you to develop your people skills.
Develop Influence by Teaching People
Influential people primarily influence us through teaching. They teach us how to make better choices, how to handle problems, and how to think about our lives and circumstances in helpful and self-supporting ways.
This doesn’t necessarily need to be a direct form of teaching. When we have influence, our teaching can come via example. It can come through our behavior, decisions, and actions rather than through our guidance and direction.
To become an influential figure in other people’s lives, we must adopt a “teaching mentality”. In other words, we must become role models, mentors, and guides for the people whose lives we want to impact and influence in a positive way.
We must endeavor to teach people how to think about their lives, problems, and circumstances in empowering, helpful and advantageous ways. This, effectively, comes down to having the ability to transform a person’s perspective of reality.
When you successfully transform how someone thinks about something, that’s “true” influence in action. From that moment on, you form a connection and psychological bond with that person. Yes, that bond is tied to that specific situation, but it can often extend beyond that situation into other aspects of life.
How this person thinks about themselves, about their life and circumstances is a direct result of the influence you had – and still have – on them. That generates respect and admiration, which strengthens and deepens the bond even further.
But how do we go about doing this?
There is a simple frame to make when it comes to teaching people, and it comes in the form of a little inspiration.
It must, however, be noted that teaching people isn’t about lecturing. Nobody wants to hear a lecture. It can, in fact, create resistance. The solution, therefore is, to strive to inspire people.
Rather than trying to lecture them about something, your objective must be to inspire them to find that “something” within themselves that will drive action and instigate positive change.
You will often find that people are inspired when you set a good and consistent example. However, there must be congruence in your word, intention, and action for there to be any lasting change and influence.
Furthermore, people are inspired when we use stories, parables, metaphors, and analogies to make a point or to teach a lesson. Inspire them through storytelling, and your words will have a lasting impact on their lives.
Explore Related Guides
- How to Win Friends and Influence People
- Here is an Effective Method for Solving Your Life’s Problems
- A Beginner’s Guide on How to Become a Person of Influence
Tactical Questions to Ask Yourself…
Here are several tactical questions to ask yourself that will help you put these ideas into daily practice.
To fully integrate these concepts into our lives, we will need to turn these questions into progressive and achievable action steps. And one way to begin doing that is to write out answers to each question in a workbook or journal. Only in this way will we gain the necessary clarity we need to make lasting changes.
If you have a limited amount of time, then I would suggest to just focus on the questions highlighted in blue.
How could I inspire this person to become a better version of themselves?
How can I best guide this person in the right direction?
How can I lead them down an optimal path?
How can I provide this person with the direction they need to get something done?
How can I influence how this person thinks about their predicament or situation?
What would motivate this person to think differently about this situation?
Why do I want to influence this person to think differently? How will they benefit?
What would it take to inspire this person to think differently about things?
What could I do that would inspire them to act in a certain way?
What would I have to say and how would I need to say things to inspire this person to think differently about their life and circumstances?
How can I convince this person of the value of what I’m trying to teach?
What benefit will this person derive from what I am trying to teach them?
How could I help this person convince themselves of the value of what I teach?
What intrinsically motivates this person? What learning preferences do they have? How can I use this information to inspire them to think differently about this situation?
How can I be an inspiring role model for this person?
What kind of role model do they need me to be for them?
How could I inspire and teach this person by setting a good example?
What do I need to do or demonstrate that would show the value of what I teach?
How could I teach this person important life lessons using storytelling?
What stories from my own life and personal experiences could I share?
What other stories could I share?
What stories would resonate with them?
What metaphors, parables, and analogies could I share with this person that would transform how they think about this situation?
What stories would encourage them to question their beliefs and challenge how they think about this situation?
Develop Influence by Challenging People
People who have influence over our lives are influential because they consistently challenge us to become better versions of ourselves.
Think about the people who have had the greatest influence and impact on your life. These people probably consistently challenged you to step outside your comfort zone and raise your standards of performance. Moreover, they helped you grow and develop into the person you are today.
To become an influential figure in other people’s lives, we must consistently challenge them to become the best versions of themselves – each day and in every situation. This, of course, doesn’t mean setting inconceivably high standards and expectations for others. We should not be the ones setting these standards and expectations. Our role is to simply nudge the person to raise their own standards and expectations of what’s possible.
This does not necessarily require challenging people on a surface or superficial level. It’s rather about going deep and impacting their lives in transformative and lasting ways.
Consider for a moment that the people who have had the greatest impact on your life were often the people who challenged you to build nurturing, supportive, and mutually beneficial relationships. They were the people who challenged you to build empowering habits and rituals. They were the ones who challenged you to learn from your failures, mistakes, and setbacks. And they were the ones who challenged you to demonstrate impeccable character when facing adversity.
We all long for people to believe in us – to believe in our ability that we can become better versions of ourselves in various situations. And when someone challenges us to become that “better version” of ourselves, that instantly generates a positive response.
We must, however, be cautious. This is not about challenging the other person to become a better version of who we want them to be. But rather about challenging them to become the best version they see themselves becoming. It’s, therefore, not about what you or I want, but rather about what the other person wants for themselves.
It’s true, of course, that some people don’t have a great deal of self-belief or simply can’t imagine the bigger picture. They, therefore, don’t quite understand what they’re capable of. It, however, only takes one person to believe in them for things to swiftly turnaround. And it’s that acknowledgment of “I believe in you” that begins the cycle of influence and change.
It’s the people who believe in us that have the greatest influence and impact on our lives. And it’s also these same individuals who challenge us more than anyone else. They challenge us because they believe that we are far more capable than we give ourselves credit.
To have influence, we must, therefore, consistently challenge people to become the best versions of themselves. We must, however, do so for their benefit, not for our own.
Explore Related Guides
- Here’s Why Raising Your Standards is the Key to Goal Achievement
- Invaluable Lessons for Understanding the Fear of Failure
- Quit Complaining and Start Learning from Your Mistakes
- Here’s How to Build Empowering Daily Rituals that Fuel Your Goals
Tactical Questions to Ask Yourself…
Here are several tactical questions to ask yourself that will help you put these ideas into daily practice.
To fully integrate these concepts into our lives, we will need to turn these questions into progressive and achievable action steps. And one way to begin doing that is to write out answers to each question in a workbook or journal. Only in this way will we gain the necessary clarity we need to make lasting changes.
If you have a limited amount of time, then I would suggest to just focus on the questions highlighted in blue.
How could I challenge this person to become a better version of themselves?
How could I challenge this person in a fun and creative way?
What value will this person gain from this challenge? How will they benefit?
How will this challenge change this person and/or help transform their life?
How can I challenge this person to raise their standards of performance?
How can I challenge this person to strive for excellence in everything they do?
How can I challenge this person to learn from their failures and mistakes?
How can I challenge this person to demonstrate impeccable character in this situation?
How can I challenge this person to build empowering and valuable habits and rituals?
How can I challenge this person to build nurturing and mutually supportive relationships?
How can I challenge this person to make a more thoughtful decision in this situation?
How can I challenge this person to think critically and objectively about this situation?
How can I challenge this person to think outside the box about their circumstances?
How can I challenge this person to make the best of this situation?
How can I challenge this person to view this situation from a different perspective?
How can I challenge them to act courageously?
Develop Influence by Leading People
People who have influence over our lives are influential because of their strong and empowering leadership qualities. They not only lead by example but also inspire others to support and follow their vision of a compelling future.
Think about the people who have had the greatest influence and impact on your life. You likely saw these people as leaders, and therefore, often turned to them for guidance and direction.
Leadership always begins with a compelling vision. With that in mind, we need to present the people we seek to influence a compelling vision of the future – a vision that is greater than themselves.
There must, however, be value in this vision for the other person. They must understand what’s involved, how they can contribute to bringing that vision to life, and what’s ultimately in it for them.
When people work towards a grander vision, they are working towards something greater than themselves. And a leader understands the importance of translating that message across to others.
To lead effectively, you must equip people with adequate knowledge, skills, and tools that will help them to get things done or achieve a desired objective. Yes, leaders lead, but ultimately, they serve others by providing them with everything they need to grow and develop into the best version of themselves.
To become an influential leader, you must be authentic, vulnerable, and encouraging. Being authentic makes you more amicable. Being vulnerable helps you connect with people on a deeper emotional level. And being encouraging builds respect and admiration.
Furthermore, people are often drawn to leaders who are enthusiastic, joyful, and lighthearted. Being all these things makes you more approachable and naturally entices people to follow you.
Ultimately, as a leader, you need to trust people’s judgment and give them freedom of expression. And that, of course, comes down to empowerment. Leaders influence people by empowering them. In other words, they strive to get the very best from everyone in every situation.
Tactical Questions to Ask Yourself…
Here are several tactical questions to ask yourself that will help you put these ideas into daily practice.
To fully integrate these concepts into our lives, we will need to turn these questions into progressive and achievable action steps. And one way to begin doing that is to write out answers to each question in a workbook or journal. Only in this way will we gain the necessary clarity we need to make lasting changes.
If you have a limited amount of time, then I would suggest to just focus on the questions highlighted in blue.
How could I empower this person to become a better version of themselves?
What’s my compelling vision for the future?
What’s the grander purpose for this vision? What will people be working towards?
How do I imagine this person contributing to this vision?
How can I convince this person to get on board and support my vision?
What value and benefit will this person derive by supporting and committing to this vision?
How can I lead by example?
How could I be an inspiring example for the other person to follow?
What qualities will I have to exude?
What behaviors, decisions, and actions would I like the other person to model?
How can I equip this person with adequate knowledge, skills, and tools that would help them achieve a desired goal?
How can I be more authentic as a leader?
How can I be more vulnerable as a leader?
How can I be more encouraging as a leader?
How can I be more enthusiastic, joyful and lighthearted?
How could I make myself more approachable?
How could I connect with this person on a deeper emotional level?
How can I develop more trust with this person?
How could I be a better listener?
How could I demonstrate that I understand where the other person is coming from?
How could I gain this person’s respect and admiration?
How can I be more trusting of this person’s judgment?
How can I show this person that I trust in their ability to make the right decision?
How could I gamify tasks and projects to make them more fun, challenging, and interesting?
How could I encourage collaboration?
What can I do to get the best from this person in this situation?
What might I need to demonstrate to give this person an optimal path to follow?
How can I use the power of anticipation to build excitement and enthusiasm about the value of working towards this goal?
Develop Influence by Activating the 7 Human Desires
People who have influence over our lives are influential because they successfully activate compelling desires that drive us towards a desired outcome.
Think about the people who have had the greatest influence and impact on your life. In one way or another, these people were able to convince you to do things that others could not. They did this by effectively triggering one or more of the 7 Human Desires that drive action and build forward momentum.
These desires include the desire for change, contribution, congruence, connection, control, competence, and creative self-expression. Let’s explore each of these 7 desires in isolation.
CHANGE: People desire variety and change. They get bored when things are stagnant. To influence people, you must challenge them in a variety of ways. Generate interest using fun games and experiments that will give them the variety they are craving for.
CONTRIBUTION: People desire to contribute to a greater cause. They long to contribute to something bigger than themselves. To influence people, you must rally them behind a vision that gives them the opportunity to contribute and make a difference on a grander level.
CONGRUENCE: People desire to maintain a level of congruence that helps them stay consistent and true to themselves. To influence people, you need to first understand what they value. Then provide them with the freedom to be themselves in every situation.
CONNECTION: People desire to connect with others on a deep emotional level. They long to work in harmony with other people towards a mutually beneficial goal. To influence people, you need to give them the opportunity to connect and bond with like-minded individuals who are working towards the same or a similar objective.
CONTROL: People desire to have a level of control over what they do. They want to know and feel that they are in control of their destiny. To influence people, you need to encourage them to think independently and give them the freedom to make their own decisions.
COMPETENCE: People desire to feel competent. They want to feel capable and skilled enough to achieve a desired outcome. To influence people, you need to provide them with adequate tools, skills, and the knowledge they need to feel competent and confident that they can achieve anything they set their minds to.
CREATIVE SELF-EXPRESSION: People have a strong desire for creative self-expression. They want creative freedom to express themselves without worrying about judgment or criticism. To influence people, you need to inspire them to think creatively. Furthermore, you need to give them the time and space they need to think independently without the fear of judgment.
Becoming an influential figure in people’s lives requires the activation of these 7 human desires. You don’t necessarily need to activate each one of these desires in every situation. But the more of them you can arouse, the greater level of influence and impact you are likely to have.
Ultimately, it all comes down to showing a genuine interest in people. Demonstrate that you care about them and their wellbeing, and your influence will steadily grow stronger over time.
Explore Related Guides
- An In-Depth Exploration of the 6 Human Needs Shaping Your Life
- How to Uncover Your Personal Values and Reinvent Your Life
Tactical Questions to Ask Yourself…
Here are several tactical questions to ask yourself that will help you put these ideas into daily practice.
To fully integrate these concepts into our lives, we will need to turn these questions into progressive and achievable action steps. And one way to begin doing that is to write out answers to each question in a workbook or journal. Only in this way will we gain the necessary clarity we need to make lasting changes.
If you have a limited amount of time, then I would suggest to just focus on the questions highlighted in blue.
What motivates and inspires this person to act?
How can I generate interest and make things more fun, challenging, and exciting for them?
What games could I introduce or experiments could we run?
What’s a greater cause I could rally this person behind?
How could I get them to adopt my grander vision of the future as their own?
How could I show them that what they are doing is making a difference?
How could I give this person the freedom to be themselves in every situation?
How could I ensure that this person stays true and consistent with their core values?
How could I connect this person to other like-minded individuals who are working towards a similar goal?
How could I show this person that they’re not alone and have the support of a greater community of individuals?
How can I give this person more control over how they work and the decisions they make?
In what areas would I like to encourage them to think more independently?
Where can I give this person the freedom to make their own decisions?
How can I help this person feel more competent and confident in their ability?
Where exactly are they struggling? What skills, tools, and knowledge would be of most value?
What practical experience would help this person gain more confidence?
How can I give this person the time and space they need to think creatively without the fear of judgment?
How could I show a genuine interest in this person?
How could I demonstrate that I genuinely care about this person’s wellbeing and success?
Final Thoughts About Influencing People
Having gone through this guide, you should now have a thorough understanding of what it takes to become an influential figure in other people’s lives. Here is a quick recap of the key points we covered in this guide.
- The importance of using teaching and storytelling as a method for establishing influence.
- The value of inspiring people to think differently about their life and circumstances.
- The benefits of challenging people to strive for excellence and raise their standards of performance.
- Why it’s vital to challenge people to become better versions of themselves.
- The importance of being an authentic, vulnerable, and encouraging leader.
- The value of setting an inspiring example for others to follow.
- Why it’s critical to equip people with adequate knowledge, skills, and tools.
- The importance of building a compelling vision for the future and getting people on board with that vision.
- An exploration of the 7 Human Desires and the impact they have on our lives and on our ability to influence people.
We now need to move to the next stage of integration, which requires putting all these ideas into practice. We need to find a way to fully immerse ourselves in mastering this topic over the coming days, weeks, and months. That is, after all, the only way to make lasting change and progress.
The worst thing we can do right now is to walk away without a plan for putting these ideas into practice. And, yet in most instances, that’s exactly what’s likely to happen. People will read the guide and feel satisfied that they’re now aware of this information. They’ll have good intentions for putting these ideas into practice, but then life just gets in the way, and unfortunately, all these ideas go to waste. 🙁
But that doesn’t have to be you. And I, of course, want to make sure of that. That is why I have prepared for you a package of visual resources that can help you to fully immerse yourself in this topic and put these ideas into action.
Everything You Need to Master This Topic
Below you will find a link to the IQ Matrix Store where you can gain access to an IQ Matrix that provides you with a visual overview of this topic. Referencing it regularly and committing it to memory will help you to embed these principles and ideas into your subconscious mind. Only in this way will you develop optimal habits of mind and patterns of behavior that will transform how you think.
A mind map, of course, does this beautifully because it mirrors the synaptic connections made in your brain as you try to establish new habits of thought and behavior. It brings together key concepts and ideas that help your brain to fully integrate and process this information. The brain, subsequently, rewires itself as it attempts to establish new habits of mind. It’s an ideal tool for creating lasting change and transformation.
The IQ Matrix, by itself, is a fantastic tool, but I have also prepared a number of complementary resources that will help you to fully immerse yourself in this topic. These resources include:
- A Strategic Implementation Guide that walks you through how to integrate all these ideas into your life.
- A Daily Accountability Checklist that outlines what to do each day to put all these ideas into practical action.
- A Digital Set of Accountability Slides that you can reference throughout the day to stay focused on what’s important.
- An Idea Generation Template of the IQ Matrix. This is a segmented canvas for brainstorming ideas about this topic.
- A Free Form Template of the IQ Matrix. This is an almost blank canvas for exploring this topic in a multitude of creative ways.
- A Desktop Background of the IQ Matrix that you can use for daily reference on your computer.
- A Second Version of the IQ Matrix that provides another layer of text and insights into this topic (PDF and JPEG).
- An Editable Text Version of the IQ Matrix that you can modify and experiment with using mind mapping software.
I hope you will find all this of value. And please do let me know how it all goes. I’d love to hear how these visual tools and resources have impacted your life. Feel free to get in touch. My contact details are at the bottom of this page.
Thanks for reading, and I look forward to connecting with you. 🙂
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